Homecoming

As she crossed the busy Phoolbagan crossing quickly , her tresses bouncing playfully, bordering her face and invading it , her fingers moving up to deftly place the errants behind her ear and her eyes darting to the platinum watch on her wrist , she looked at ease in this old city despite returning only yesterday. Looking smart in a white shirt , tucked neatly into her black jeans, sprinting across the now dug up , previously bustling, square she glanced over her shoulder towards her left.

A nervous teenager in a printed t-shirt and ankle-length jeans waited below a black stone statue in the centre of the busy Phoolbagan square fiddling away her time twiddling her fingers anxiously glancing furtively over her shoulder. She adjusted the strap of her handbag and crumpled the piece of paper in her hands as she lifted up her wrist regularly to check the time on her Minnie Mouse plastic watch.

The statue had disappeared , giving way to absolute nothing as the old city continued her journey to becoming a modern one. The modern girl's heels clattered onto the century old pavement seeped in history as she hurried towards her destination. As she walked past the street food stalls lining the pavement , her eyes lit up as she recognised the now much older but still as busy puchkawala. She stopped for a second , watching him serve an array of customers clamouring for the delicious snack , smiled to herself and continued walking . As she rounded the bend heading west, she looked up and as if involuntarily her body slowed down. Her eyes picked out a tree to her right , about 50 metres ahead just opposite a confectionery shop.

An old man got up from his usual position on the bench of a tea stall and walked across the road . As he approached the tree opposite the confectionery shop he unstrained his eyes ,now sure that he had seen correctly from the other end of the street. He walked up to the young girl sitting under the gulmohar tree and said, "Excuse me miss but I've been watching you for a long time and you look like a nice girl. Are you waiting for someone ?" The girl looked up at the concerned gentleman, smiled and said, " Yes , I am actually."
"For 40 minutes ?"
"For 3 hours actually", she smiled back. "He'll come", she assured herself.
The bewildered gentleman left but only on her repeated insistence that she was comfortable there. She looked again at her Minnie Mouse plastic watch and looked up hoping it would rain that day.

Slowly she regained her brisk pace, reorienting her senses to the present as she walked past the gulmohar tree, smartly towards her intended destination but her mind was flooded with countless images, all clear yet dissolving into each other. One memory deformed and reformed instantaneously into another one and her mind took an overwhelming swim into a tumultuous onrush of memories, taking her through a plethora of emotions and gamut of feelings. Her face betrayed the tremendous upheaval she was experiencing within her as she maintained a stoic facade.

A young girl screamed loudly and clutched the shirt of the boy sitting beside her as the movie got scarier. In the dark hall no one noticed as she buried her face deep into his arms and dug her fingers into his thighs. The dark hall was suddenly alight with a thousand tiny stars as a young girl looked down from the terrace at a boy standing on the lawn below and shouting her name . "Happy birthday " , he managed to scream before the guards accosted him. Her peals of laughter reverberated across the night as she opened her eyes to find herself walking along a lake . Looking down to her right , she saw intertwined fingers and smiled to herself, happy. The darkness of the night was dispelled by the first rays of the sun as she boarded the school bus and out of the corner of her eye saw him jogging strategically parallel to the bus. Soon she was falling and falling past balloons and cards, cakes and patties, dosas and puchkas, letters and texts- oh so many texts . It seemed like she would sink in an ocean of texts but she wriggled right through and fell onto a boat on the Ganges below the Vidyasagar Setu, apparated magically onto Park Street on Christmas Eve and before she could take in the lights and revelry , she was praying silently in St. Peter's Basilica on Christmas Day. She opened her eyes to morning kachouris and jalebis in Balwant Singh's Dhaba and hopelessly running after him across the Maidan. The greenery vanished and old houses cropped up all around as they walked below the starry skies enjoying ice cream. Everything dissolved and in the darkness a girl pleaded desperately, " It doesn't matter that I'm Bangali and you're not. We can fight everyone but only if you're with me . I can't do it alone". She kept falling fast as she heard herself cry out loud screaming "Please!!" over and over again. The screaming would not go away and neither would the sounds of sobbing and they were reaching an intolerable crescendo.

She wiped a tear from the corner of her eyes and adjusted her hair as she stepped into the cafe and located the seat she always used to take and finding it empty , she made her way to it. She composed herself as she sat down and prepared herself for what she had been waiting for . She glanced at her watch and smiled to herself as she realised that as usual she was on time but still too early . She took out her phone and was about to dial a number when the door opened and she looked up expectantly. Her heart skipped a beat as their eyes met across the room and his warm smile seemed to induce a strange nostalgic pull in her. They were the same eyes , the same heartwarming smile that greeted her below the black statue, the same arms that had wrapped themselves around her , the same fingers that had enlaced themselves with her. He walked across the room , only his body reflecting his age , and took the chair opposite her. There was absolute silence as the sounds of clattering cups, clinking glasses, clanking spoons, cookies being crunched, soups being slurped, coffees being gulped down and doors being swung open became too conspicuous for her liking. She decided to break the awkward silence but could not frame the correct words to say . She was struggling with her thoughts when as if from a far off land an old friend whispered something . She looked up puzzled.

"He....hi....hey", managed the boy, his throat parched.

She gathered up all the courage she had and with her heart beating dangerously fast said, " Hey, long time huh ?"

"Yeah, I was surprised you called actually" ,  he said, "Happy but surprised", he added.

" 6 years actually and I was surprised I called you too", she said and both their eyes met and they afforded a chuckle. The mood lightened many folds , she trudged on, " So there's a reason I wanted to meet you. . . "

He looked on expectantly, perhaps spurred on by her affability.

". . . that being that I just can't seemed to get over you . I mean it's been 6 years . It shouldn't be this hard", she added conjuring up every last bit of conviction in her gut.

He placed his hand on hers and began, " I've been thinking the same thing and especially after seeing you like this , you look. . ."

"What I needed and did not have all these years is something which only you can give me", she said cutting him short . She knew exactly what he would say and she had no intention of hearing it again . Removing her hand from under his , she said, " Closure".

Confused he looked at her as she continued , now boosted by how perfectly this was shaping up ," I wanted to meet you with the intention of getting closure because I wanted to move on with my life and I had imagined this to be multiple folds tougher than this but right now there is nothing clearer than my mind and for the first time in many many years , I seem free ."

Looking up to check the confused look on his face , she made a mental note to remind herself how happy she was feeling later on she continued, " Even a few minutes back I was a terrible mess walking down the streets of Calcutta but I just love how this city made me face my worst fears and in the end that was all that mattered . It's not you're fault . It never was . It was mine for thinking that you'd take the path less taken but you know what, thank you"

"For?", he croaked.

" For showing me that if I could love the wrong guy this much , imagine how much I will love the right guy. For showing me the immense love that I'm capable of giving".

As he fumbled about with words , trying to figure out what to say , she got up , pushed the chair in and his eyes following her , walked out into the cool breeze .

The Cashmir Conundrum

Apart from cricket and the extensive railway system,  the biggest legacy and the greatest obsession that we seem to have inherited from the British is undoubtedly Cashmir. Now,  when I say 'obsession' I of course,  do not mean obsession like a mother has for her child but more on the lines of a boss' obsession regarding his indisciplined yet top employee.  Yes when India is not talking about cricket or cursing the government , she is definitely talking about Cashmir and more so in recent times. However,  what most Indians do not know or realise is that Cashmir has experienced Hinduism,  Buddhism,  apparently Christianity too (according to some conspiracy theories),  Sikhism and Islam and the region finds mention in the Puranas apart from tiny dedicated columns in national dailies of course.

Ironically the hotbed of cultural diversity and melting pot of religious beliefs became undone in 1947 when the Hindu Maharajah of a Muslim majority state signed a deal with the Muslim leader of the single largest political party ( which allowed the Maharajah to flee and the leader to become the new democratic leader of the state) of the state to collectively join the Hindu majority Indian Union and use Indian troops to fend off approaching Pakistani forces. For personal political pleasure a Muslim and a Hindu sold off the entire state and their communities- a move for which the state is facing repercussions even today. Almost every day innocent and unhappy youths are ruthlessly murdered or raped or raped after death or killed after rape and the news fails to percolate through to  the country which took moral responsibility for Cashmir in 1947. Cashmir is the spoils of war - three wars to be accurate - and certain bravehearts of the Indian Army being the victors make no qualms about sharing the spoils. In fact the situation has worsened so much over the years that most people from the state and many more from outside want freedom for Cashmir from the Army. This is what presents, what I call,  the Cashmir Conundrum.

Let us assume the possible scenarios which can happen now.  The first scenario is something I call the 'Diffusion Dilemma '.  Remember those middle school science classes ? No?  Well,  you must be acquainted with your ex-girlfriend getting a new boyfriend once you leave her but you not getting a new girlfriend ? It's something similar. Diffusion is the phenomenon of anything moving from a place of greater concentration to a place of lower concentration.  Now imagine the Indian army moving out of Cashmir but it remaining a part of India,  it will not take long for foreign forces to rush in to secure their hold over Cashmir simply because a)they had been waiting for this moment since 1947 and b)the territorial location of the area makes it of paramount importance with regard to trade, tourism and defence strategy. The moment the number or concentration of Indian soldiers decrease in the area,  new soldiers from across the border will rush in to take their place. Being an optimist, you might say that maybe the new soldiers will be better humans and the common people will be treated better but being a realist,  I'll say that's not going to happen - the situation being similar to a blind man suddenly being able to see , the soldiers from across the border will perhaps enjoy the spoils of war even more,  having been denied for so long,  trying to make up for lost time. Also, once foreign troops occupy Cashmir there will inevitably be another war which would result in more death,  more loss and more destruction. One small attempt at making a few lives better will have a cataclysmic domino effect that will eventually cost more to kill more.

If you're happy the way the first scenario shapes up then please don't read further but if it pains you and hurts you then the second scenario is unfortunately, not going to make things better. This,  I call,  the 'Plebiscite Problem' . Let us assume the people of Cashmir hold a vote to decide whether they want to continue to be a part of India or not, the general feeling in the state gives the impression that the result of such a vote will result in the state seeking independence from India. Provided that India agrees to this then by a plebiscite , Cashmir will become a new independent country surrounded by India (on whose troops it was so far dependent but will no longer avail),  Pakistan (who have been thrice denied control over what they consider rightfully theirs) and China( the world's most populated country and the third largest army). Cashmir meanwhile will have no army and no resources . It doesn't take a PhD scholar to realise what's going to happen next. The last time something like this happened,  about 30,000 people died in Cashmir and that was in 1947. The blood has not stopped flowing since,  the screams have not died out since,  the silence has becoming overbearing and the anger palpable.  Are we really going to subject a dying man to crucifixion? Are we really that heartless?

The third and final scenario is of course the 'Static Solution' . Nothing changes. The army remains. The people remain.  Instead of a quick death in a war,  they die a slow painful death,  watching their furureless sons being stoned and assaulted, watching their never-to-be married or employed daughters being raped and molested, watching their wives wallowing in sorrow and despair,  drowning themselves in tears of helplessness. Cashmir remains. India remains.  Ignorant yet interested. Proud yet perfunctory. Pakistan remains. Waiting. The Army remains. Cursed yet coveted. Needed yet neglected. Far away from their lives yet abused by the saved lives. Armed and antagonized yet helpless and harassed . Humanity remains. Them humanists shouting slogans and painting posters. They wait for retribution . Retribution which they think will come from being miles away from ground zero.  Retribution which they think will come in the safe comfort of their living rooms on  Facebook walls and Twitter handles. The truth is no one cares enough.  After a few days the dust will settle and the news agencies will lose interest, the students will find a new wrong to protest against and Cashmir will diffuse to the cobwebbed backrooms of our minds. The screams of the people will be heard No more. Shah Jahan called Cashmir the Paradise on Earth but perhaps the people will prefer Paradise now over Earth. Perhaps they have had enough. Perhaps not.

Hope is a dangerous thing because it's an addiction but when everywhere else is inky black,  you wait in the darkness for that single ray of hope to pierce the overwhelming silence, the overbearing darkness and the sound of shattering will set you free but till then you're a prisoner to unseen forces, unheard silences.

The Legacy of LalitaDi

The legacy of a person is left behind more in the lives touched and souls guided than the paperwork stacked and literature concluded. Professor Lalitagauri Ray is an unique example of someone who leaves behind a legacy of both.

Lalitadi, as she is commonly referred to as by colleagues, juniors and seniors alike is a known and revered face in the main campus of Jadavpur University,  Kolkata.  Having stepped into the campus for the first time in 1975, then to pursue a B. Tech in Food Technology and Biochemical Engineering,  she was carried into the campus for the last time on 30th March, 2016 having spent most of the intermediate time enriching the very campus she loved. She loved the campus , the department and the university so much that she waited patiently for 17 years from 1980 to 1997 to join the department in a teaching capacity.

In the 17 years between obtaining a Masters and joining as a teacher, she achieved an unparalled body of research that is quite simply put the stuff of legends. In those 17 years she also struck a lifelong friendship with soon to be Dr. Uma Ghosh, who would go on to be her colleague. Inseparable like Juno's swans,  the two defied age and strutted the campus from the Dean's office to canteen, enveloping everyone around them in their bubble of laughter and camaradiere.

Lalitadi, true to her epithet guided numerous students like an elder sister through their research work, laboratory experiments,  doctorate and post-doctorate researches and in the process not only changed lives as a teacher and guardian angel but also touched lives through her ever smiling countenance,  her selfless helping nature and her calmness in situations of crisis. Her legendary work ethic and equally famous smile impressed one and all who stepped through the doors of the department that she made her own.

Although our association with ma'am extends back only 3 short years, yet within this time the impact ma'am has had on us is tremendous. From her detailed explanations and hands-on training in the laboratory to her extremely well-planned out class lectures , which made the subjects easy to comprehend and analyse, from her incredible reserve of energy which compelled her,  despite not being the quickest,  to reach all her classes on time to her motherly nature which allowed her to personally pay attention to each students' problems- LGR Ma'am,  as we knew her,  was indispensable to us and the department.  Such was her universality that wherever we are asked about our department and we say "Food Technology And Biochemical Engineering " , we usually get the reply, "Oh,  Lalitadi's department? ". Everyone knew and loved ma'am and finding a fault in her would be akin to finding a hay-coloured needle in a haystack.

A connoisseur of everything Bengali,  Ma'am epitomised Jadavpur University - Inherently Bangali yet universal. A great admirer of Bengali theatre and history,  she preferred exploration of Bengal's past and heritage before soaking in the essence of foreign lands. She loved the quintessential Bangali evening snack - Muri (puffed rice) with beguni ( eggplant slices soaked in batter and deep-fried) , alur chop ( flattened spheres of batter and potato,  also deep fried) and piyanji ( sliced onion soaked in batter and deep fried) - so much so that she would often take a detour on her way home even at 9pm to make a stop at Shyambazar on her way home from Jadavpur , to buy her favourites from her preferred shop. She was an excellent singer and always supported the arts in the department,  ensuring personally that all the students got lunch during practise sessions for the cultural program for the reunion. She was also responsible for bringing excellent elocutionist Bratati Bandopadhyay as a special performer in the same cultural program.

Ma'am often scolded us for making noise and not being serious but she also assured us that a scolding in a heated moment did not amount to a grudge in the corner of a teacher's mind . She also made sure that the students she reprimanded the most also got taken care of the most.  A teacher beyond comparison and a person,  whose life is a story of inspiration - Lalitadi symbolises the 'good' that will always win in the end,  she symbolises the resolve to fight for our dreams no matter how difficult they seem to be,  she symbolises the glue that holds together a family and the life that makes many many others better.

Her sudden demise has left the campus that knew her so well,  sisterless and heartbroken,  it has left the people who knew her shell-shocked and numb and the students and teachers who were touched by her mourning and grieving. Lalitadi definitely had much more to give and yet her untimely death robs not only JU but also the city and the world of an exemplary human being above all.

The extra cup of tea that will greet UG Ma'am, the silence on the other side of the extension 2994 that will haunt RC Ma'am, the empty chair in the Biochemical Laboratory that will taunt PB Ma'am and the closed door to her empty room that will welcome DH Sir and the many ways the department will be rendered hollow by her absence will perhaps not be felt by us as much but in due time the reverberations will be heard,  loud and clear - the emptiness being shattered into a million tiny pieces by the selfish laugh of the Almighty as the enigmatic smile of Lalitadi charms him too.

The Mahabharata- Decoded.

The Mahabharata , dictated by Ved Vyas and written by the elephant-headed Hindu God Ganesha is widely regarded and generally accepted as the story of Bharata and his descendants , which again is believed to be an euphemism for India and India's children.  Note that till the Oscar nominated Mother India changed perceptions,  India or Bharata was considered to be a man but then again considering that India is a land of duality where every truth is an exception to an existing truth , the term India emanates from the river Indus which is again considered to be a woman.

Keeping in mind this existence of inherent duality and closely going through the epic, one realises that the 18-day War of Kurukshetra that the Pandavas and the Kauravas fought was in reality a fallacy. Considering that this battle is held up in Indian history and mythology (the two freely interchangeable of course in India) as the ultimate Dharmayudh , the conclusion of which symbolises the victory of Dharma and not necessarily good over evil (according to conventional definitions) , my assertion that the very war was a fallacy tends to ruffle a few feathers,  if not more and anger a few Bhakts, if not all. Before you break down my house and burn my effigy let me at least justify my statement.  The Kurukshetra War was basically a battle between brothers for control over Hastinapur and by default the entire Kuru empire but if we transcend the basics, it was much more.  Sticking to the basics for now,  like I said,  the Kurukshetra War was a battle between brothers for control of an empire to which both believed they had complete stake but the truth was that neither the Pandavas nor the Kauravas had the slightest right to the throne of Hastinapur.  To understand this we must crawl back a few generations to the birth of the very teller of this story,  Ved Vyas.  Ved Vyas,  also known as Dwaipayana was born on an island, as his name suggests,  out of wedlock,  to Satyabati (who would go on to marry Shantanu later and mother the Kuru empire)  and a travelling ascetic Parashar. So herein lies that great duality of India again,  in a country which looks down on children born out of wedlock,  the most revered text was elocuted by an illegitimate child.

The matter gets murkier when the same Satyabati marries Shantanu,  great-grandfather of the Pandavas and the Kauravas and the marriage of the king and the fisherman's daughter not only mocks today's Khap panchayats for labelling intercaste marriages as unIndian and unnatural but also becomes the inter-caste fountain from which the Kuru dynasty flows. The marriage of Satyabati and Shantanu would however not have been possible without the sacrifice of Debabrata, Shantanu's only living son from his ill-fated marriage with Ganga and the only pure-blood Kuru son of Shantanu.  Debabrata, as we all know , vowed never to marry or father a child and always protect the occupant of Hastinapur's throne.  He earned the sobriquet Bhisma and the power to die when be wanted by his immutable vow. In due time Satyabati gave birth to two sons - Chitrangada and Vichitraveerja.  Chintrangada,  the elder son,  died young and the last remaining pure-blood Kuru who could contribute to the progression of his progeny without breaking a terrible oath,  Vichitraveerja, in a terrible anti-climax turned out to be impotent.  It is here that the story of Mahabharata would have ended had it not been for the guile of Bhisma,  who picked up two princesses from their Swayamvara and bought them to Hastinapur as his step-brother's wives. However Vichitraveerja could not stand up to the occasion and the throne of Hastinapur lived in constant fear of loneliness till Satyabati thought of her illegitimate son Ved Vyas and like a true-blue twelfth man Ved Vyas entered the arena in place of the unsuccessful  Vichitraveerja and fathered Dhrithrarashtra and Pandu with Amba and Ambalika, the two wives of Vichitraveerja. The progeny luckily continued but at what cost?

The cost of blood. The bloodline of Bharata was lost forever in this scheme to hide the king's disability from the public eye.  Consider this, neither Pandu nor Dhritrarashtra had an ounce of royal Kuru blood in them and hence neither did their children.  The only true descendant of Bharata remained Bhisma but blinded by his devotion to his past he forgot to look into the future.  Bhisma defended the throne of Hastinapur in the battle of Kurukshetra but not the son of Hastinapur because indeed Duryodhana,  the king in power at Hastinapur during the war was as much a foreigner as Yudhisthira, the attacker or for that matter also Shishupala. So this brings us back to the statement which I was defending for so long.  The Kurukshetra War was a fallacy because the war which was supposedly about brothers fighting to stake their rightful claim to the throne of Hastinapur involved neither brothers,  in the truest sense of the term,  nor any rightful stakeholders to the royal throne of Hastinapur.  Considering that the Kauravas were conceived in earthen pots of Dhritrarashtra and Gandhari and the Pandavas conceived by Kunti and Madri without Pandu's involvement,  neither were the Pandavas and Kauravas related from their fathers' side nor from their mothers' hence debunking the accepted theory that they were brothers, I rest my case that the war was a fallacy.

Having said that, let us consider for a tiny moment the fact that if anyone,  at all,  knew or could have worked out all of this,  it would have had to be Bhishma.  Having known that the Kurukshetra war was a lie,  a fallacy,  why did the educated and wise Bhisma allow such a bloody massacre culminating in the death of family and friends and almost the Kuru dynasty? The duality of India is such that,  to uphold a promise made to his blood father, Bhisma had to protect a foreigner on the throne of Hastinapur.  He made a conscious choice to honour his promise more than his hubris,  to honour his word more than his blood.

The battle of Kurukshetra might have been a fallacy but by no means are the lessons learnt from it anything but absolutely essential. The concept of honouring words above blood is observed even today in Indian culture when fathers honour childhood promises and marry off their reluctant daughters to the sons of their childhood friends. It is observed when different members of the same family contest elections representing different political parties.  It is observed when mothers and mother-in-laws support brutal rape of daughters and wives by moneylenders in exchange for the money lent. The battle of Kurukshetra might have been a fallacy but it's legacy lives on in every micropore of Indian society. Such is the duality of India and hence it's story,  that if the battle of Kurukshetra was indeed a Dharmayudh then whose Dharma was it that won or lost?  Was Yudhishthira's Dharma the better Dharma ? That Dharma which convinced him to kill his teacher with his words? That Dharma which convinced him to gamble away his family?  That Dharma which taught him to be a silent audience to his wife's public humiliation?  Or was Bhisma's Dharma the better Dharma? That Dharma which convinced him to be a silent bystander to an avoidable war? That Dharma which did not touch the righteous soul when a lady was being disrobed in his presence?  That Dharma which accepted Satyabati but not Karna ? Or was it Duryodhana's Dharma that won the Dharmayudh?  That Dharma which caused him to order the public rape of Draupadi?  That Dharma which convinced a young boy to poison his brother? That Dharma which allowed him to trick , trap and kill a teenager? Considering the duality of India,  it might just be possible that no-one's Dharma won the Dharmayudh.

The truth is that in a system so complicated that perhaps only we Indians can comprehend it, the concept of 'always' does not exist.  No one is always right or always wrong,  nothing is forever and truth in itself is relative.  The theory of Relativity may have been propounded centuries later but the concept was very much prevalent in both the Mahabharata and the Bhagavada Gita. The Dharma that won the Dharmayudh is not any individual's Dharma but the Dharma of relativity - everyone's Dharma and at the same time no one's. The very fact that a war that was a fallacy provides lessons that shape Indian society and culture even today,  is a recognition of the  duality of India.

Here is something to blow your mind even further. Years and years after the Kurukshetra War, which led to widespread annihilation and which was fought to justify the Dharma of Bhishma by brothers for an undeserved seat of power, another war ravaged the same subcontinent- a war which left the subcontinent gasping for breath out of trains sent across the border packed with dead bodies and raped bodies,  a war which was fought due to the 'moral' silence of a Mahatma by brothers for an undeserved seat of power.  The duality of Bharat was established again in 1947 - the duality of two brothers fighting for their own Dharmas - India and Pakistan.

The Hidden Doe

As I sit down to write what I intend to be a good enough send-off to one of my favourite portrayals of a literary character, I am lost for words. With fingers casting long shadows on my keyboard, a thousand childhood memories come flooding back into my memory, breaking the dam of deliberate barrier to nostalgia. I think of the long sunny afternoons spent lazily lying down across my bed with a book in hand, I think of re-watching the cinematic version of the same again and again on television and yet amidst all the pictures and images, the silent memories and lasting graphics only one word comes floating through, stamping its authority across the length and breadth of my mind – “Always”.

Born miles away from London and Hogwarts, in a city that the erstwhile residents of the British capital made their own, I grew up under the influence of a British schoolmaster much like most of my generation.  Professor Severus Snape was as important a figure in my life during my formative years as was anyone else and his importance cannot be discounted merely on the basis of his absence from the City of Joy on a continued basis. Maybe I did not learn much of Potions or Defense Against the Dark Arts (although I admit I am not bad at either of these two subjects and they mean as much to me as does Chemistry or Karate) from Professor Snape and maybe I did not like him the most in the beginning but slowly, yet surely I realized that no one has perhaps taught me as much has Professor Snape during my teenage years.

From teaching me that life is downright unfair and the best thing to do is to not stop and complain but trudge on (“Well it may have escaped your notice but life isn’t fair”) to teaching how wrong judging a book by its cover can be, from teaching me that heroes don’t need to be flashy or prominent but the real heroes are the ones in the most unlikeliest of places to teaching me about true love, from teaching me that every criminal no matter how big the crime deserves a chance at redemption to teaching me all I know about ultimate devotion to a cause- a devotion so powerful that in the end it consumes you, Professor Snape has been instrumental in making me what I am today.

When on a cold winter’s morning in February in 1946, the man who would go on to define Professor Snape on screen was born, little did he know that 19 years later a lady would be born who in 1995 would go on to immortalize his sallow skin, his large, hooked nose and yellow, uneven teeth, his cold, black eyes which end up saying so much. The “overgrown bat” had been immortalized and in 2001 I gasped with the world as he gave a name and face to my imagination, a perfect finishing touch to the character I hated.

Alan Rickman may have done a lot of other movies and played a lot of other characters on screen or on stage but to me and perhaps many others he will “always” be Severus Snape, Professor Snape because Mr. Rickman personified the quintessential antagonist in a non-quintessential way and revolutionized the way I thought and the way I looked at the universe. He hammered in through actions and merely one world, the true power of true love – something which Bollywood actors have been trying to sing and dance about for nearly 6 decades now. He made me hate him because he was Snape and Snape was him and yet he made me adore his devotion to his cause, to his redemptive cause , he made me fall in love with his quiet disposition , his silent work-till-you-die attitude from the darkness ,from behind the scenes while controlling the scene in the movie. He was someone who did not need to attract attention, his appearance demanded it. As much as I loved Harry and Hermione and Ron and the rest, the only Slytherin who made all the difference and yet never let Dumbledore “reveal the best of” him touched my heart.

As I received the news of the demise of Mr. Rickman earlier today, my first reaction was a momentary pause of disbelief followed by a never-ending avalanche of old memories, each memory laced with the lasting image of Alan Rickman collapsing against the wall of the Shrieking Shack and the words of JK Rowling rushed out from the depths of the dark abyss and hit my numb mind and left it rattled:

“Look...at...me..." he whispered. The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, blank, and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more.” 

At the end of it all I am left with 7 books and 8 movies ,numerous memories and not enough words to express my immense gratitude to Severus Rickman for altering my life but instead with an enduring scene of a broken Alan Rickman hugging the dead body of his beloved and a distant voice that says, “Always”.

The first page I turn to while re-reading any Harry Potter book (after Prisoner of Azkaban) is definitely page 394.

Always.